I can’t believe my baby is one. This was my first letter to Barron when I found out he was a boy:
When we found out you were a boy I was a little in shock. With the morning sickness, high bump, fast heart rate, all the “old-wives” tales said girl. And your aunt Alex was SO sure you were a female. I should have known that’s why you don’t listen to “old wives” (or sisters) but God. Alas, I was shocked. As your dad did fist pumps in the air and dreamed of hunting trips with Uncle Steven and Rayne, all I could think was “what do I do with a boy?”
A few days later I stood in Target. I walked past the pink and hair bows and ended up in the sale section looking at fire truck PJs. As I held those little red PJs that you couldn’t possibly wear for another two years, all I could think of was you. The little boy who accompanies me all day long. Moving and jumping although I can barely feel. You the little one who has made me throw up one too many times and who my thoughts turn to all day long. You who make me a lotta bit nervous but more excited then I have ever been. Little Baby Bear. As I stood in Target with those PJs I imagined you– blonde hair, big eyes like dad, asking me 1000 questions and wanting to know how everything works. Your first smile, laugh, and word (mama of course). Your heart for Jesus and learning to love and serve our Maker. Wanting to be just like your big hearted goofy dad and loving your mama dearly. What hopes I have for you little baby boy.
Above everything I have prayed for you. Prayed for good health, an easy delivery, but mostly that you would be God’s man. I don’t know anything about boys, but I do know that God needs men who will stand for Him. As I have prayed for you B, I have thought about all the men who were God’s men. They were SO far from perfect. David. Moses. Aaron. Peter. Paul. They weren’t necessarily “good” by the worlds terms. As much as I want you to be good, and I’m going to pray that the Lord leads and protects you from all sin, I know that you will fail (you come from two sinners– so sorry little bud). But God uses the broken. He uses the humble. He uses men who know that their only hope is Him. That’s my prayer for you B, that you would know your maker intimately and that He would be where you place all of you hope. You are so loved. I can’t wait to see who God makes you to be!
your clueless girl of a mom who is SO excited for fire truck PJs, legos, BB guns and trains (just no bugs, rodents, or peeing on me ok?!).
A whole year of you Barron Harris. Where do I begin. I think I start with this song. It has always been one of my favorite, but now it’s your song and it will always remind me of 6:30pm, September 21st when you entered the world. The first thing I remember is hearing “oh man he has a lot of hair Becca”, and then there you were. All 9.2 lbs of you. You were perfect. Are perfect. All we could do was stare. From the moment you were born you wanted to eat. You have always loved food Bear, and I love that about you (a true Troxler/Carter)! That night I remember trying to sleep and watching your dad on that little hospital couch. Every time I opened my eyes he was watching you. I don’t think he slept the whole night. To say we adored you is an understatement.
Then came the fun part–taking you home. I finally got to dress you in your little bear outfit and off we went. I was so glad. I hate the hospital. We got home and first thing Tilley did was give you big lick right across your face. Both your grandmas, Sue, Nancy, everyone came to visit and brought food. It was a celebration. The first few weeks were a dousy. You loved to eat and yet we had tongue tie and feeding issues. It was hard- on ALL of us. We worked through it, but I learned that loving you was about doing what was best for you, bottle fed, breast fed, formula, whatever! The witching hour was real and you would scream every night from 5-7pm. I wondered if we would ever sleep again. But then. Then we realized you loved baths. And would take a bottle great. And enjoyed your passie. And at 3 months we tried out your crib and you were SO happy! 3 months was a turning point and we started seeing smiles instead of screams, laughs instead of tears, and your mom and dad were so thrilled!
As I have studied and learned you over the past year I have learned some pretty incredible personality traits for a 1 year old! You love routine. Your crib, room, and lovey are your safe and happy place. You need your sleep (just like your momma). You are a good listener and really love to study things (whether it be people, Tilley, or a toy). I like to call you my little thinker and I often wonder what’s going on in your mind. You LOVE food. Really all food. I think you may have spit out 1 thing I have given you. You can make the funniest faces I have ever seen. My personal favorite (your aunty Al’s too) is the nose scrunch/ snort. I die every time you do it. You adore the water, be it bath time or swimming. Tilley is your bud (but really you just want to eat her food, splash in her water bowl, and hide in her kennel) and I have a feeling many more animals are in your future. You have the best laugh. Dad says when you laugh you can “get rolling”. It’s the best. You are easy. Easy to take places and go on trips with. Easy to get a smile from. Easy to love. You are determined. You took your first step around 10 months and by 11 months you were walking. Falling, but walking. When you want something you let us know and you run to get it. You keep going even if you have fallen 5 times until you get what you are after. Nothing can keep you down. Your first true word was “momma” (much to my delight), but now “dada”, “dog”, and even a “thank you” get thrown in some days. Your hair still continues to be a topic of conversation. Its thin, crazy, and the absolute best. Our favorite thing is getting to go in your room and get you after you wake up. We have raced to be the first many times. Nothing beats opening that door to your smile and crazy hair. Nothing.
The last year has been the best Bear. I can’t remember what we did before you. You are a gift. One that I thank God for daily. This year has been challenging, refining, and filled with the most unbelievable love and joy. I have had a small glimpse into the way God loves us, and I’m even more in awe that He would send us Jesus. This year I’ve learned so many things about you, your dad, myself, and the Lord. I’ve learned that as much I love you, I have to give you to Jesus. I have to give my fears, my desires, my hopes, my dreams, to Him through prayer. He loves you more then I do (hard to believe but SO comforting), and when I think about that I have great joy. As I left you screaming at BSF today, I prayed and was reminded that He has you in the palm of His hand. He’s your defender, protector, maker, and by God’s grace I get to be your momma. My prayer for you is that you chase after Jesus with your whole heart (Jeremiah 29:13), you find favor with God and with man (Proverbs 3:4), you would be a defender of the weak and the powerless (Psalm 82: 3-4), and that you enjoy all the good that this life has to give ( Psalm 84:11)! You are a gift Barron Harris Carter. Thank you for making me a momma 1 year ago today! It’s the best title yet.